If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
