ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
