The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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