but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
