she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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