I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize