Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
