My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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