He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Are we still banned from the library?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
