Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
