Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
