Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Im part way to drunk.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
