Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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