Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
