im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
