I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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