This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
