my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
