What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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