dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
