it hurts more in the daytime
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize