i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
