I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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