I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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