im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
