i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
