Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
