I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
