i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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