I met the friendliest cop last night
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
