Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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