I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
