Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
