that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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