You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Randomize
