Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
