Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
