Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
