when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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