I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
