When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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