watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
