Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
