somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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