I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize