When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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