I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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