dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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