I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
