my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
