Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
