why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
