Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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