Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
