So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
