Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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