now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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