i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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