kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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