I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize