FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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