It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
